Independence or lack thereof
by Amanda on Aug.25, 2009, under Relationship
Independence is something I do not deal with very well. Let me explain a bit. Before Randy I was with my ex, Mike, from March of 05 until Dec of 06. He was emotionally abusive blah blah. We split when Randy came along in Dec 06. I went right from one relationship to the other.
Then Randy was taken from me to jail a week into the relationship. He did a month there, followed by a month in rehab, and then 6 months in a halfway house which was never completed. This led to a violation of probation and in November he went to prison for a year. I learned to be independent in that year with having to do everything from bring in money to calling the prisons for information/policies, ensuring things went smoothly for his homecoming, etc. I got used to knowing everything was in my hands and no one was there to help me. I was fine with only talking to him once a day or less if it had to be. I even went to MD for 3 days with no contact. He was the needy one. However, it didn’t make it any easier to see him for 6 hours at a time and have to turn my back and watch him stand in a line for a strip search after each visit.
Then in November he came home and I think I have a fear that the cops are going to show up again and take him from me. When he left in November of ’07 we were sleeping when the cops showed up. My dad called up to come downstairs. Randy stood up, threw a pair of pants on, looked down the ladder of the loft and said bye. I got down there and they were already breathalizing and handcuffing him. I will never get that image out of my mind.
I get incredibly antsy if I don’t know exactly where he is at any given time. I insist we go to doctor appointments together along with stores and pretty much any errands. I don’t mind doing the shopping or whatever with him in the car but I need to know where he is. Every time he goes into parole for a check in I fear he’s going to not come out. It was a big feat last week when I left for 3 hours to go to the store and do shopping while he stayed home. It’s driving both of us crazy. The clinginess gets to him but he deals fairly well with keeping me calm. Today for example he left at 10:30 to go with his friend to get some arrows in a town 20 minutes away. I woke up at 1:35 and he wasn’t home. I called and they had stopped at his dad’s to patch the tire but had to wait for him to arrive. It was 3 hours and I was wigging out. The thought of him getting his license back terrifies me too because then he really can come and go whenever. I’m also going to state here, it’s not an issue of worrying about infidelity whatsoever.
I just feel like I’m dragging him down. I don’t want to contribute this to hormones because I feel it’s deeper than that. I know he needs to sleep odd hours and that leaves me to do some stuff alone but I fight it if possible. Perhaps it is rooted also in the fact that I do everything he is required to since I am his taxi cab, so I expect the same in return? I can’t pinpoint it. But it sucks.
August 25th, 2009 on 6:23 am
i can really understand your fear here.. i am for the first time not attached to the hip of my significant other and it has really been a strain on me emotionally. i’m used to my boyfriend being right there at all times and this time, being in a long distance relationship, i don’t have that option. even after 2 years of being like this, i still panic if i don’t hear from him after a certain amount of time.
you went though a traumatizing time with that jail thing.. i remember when it happened, i read your blog as you dealt with all of it and i am so proud of you for both for staying together though it all. your fears will pass in time i’m sure. randy is a great guy and they have no reason to take him back to jail!
also even though you don’t want to blame it on the hormones, there is a chance that maybe the worries that you do have are just being intensified by the pregnancy.. but don’t let it stress you out too much! stress is not good for a mother-to-be!
August 25th, 2009 on 1:06 pm
Aw hunny, I can understand why you are worried, please don’t worry to much it isn’t good for you hun *hugs*
August 25th, 2009 on 1:09 pm
I went through the same thing when Sebert got home after being deployed. I can’t say whether or not I would still be like that if we were still together, but I do know what you mean. Don’t stress too much. When you love someone that much and then go through something where you have to be apart for so long, I think it’s a normal reaction. *hugs*
August 25th, 2009 on 3:39 pm
Hun I’m so sorry. I can totally understand why you would feel this way. At least don’t feel badly for feeling this way. I think with time, it will get better.
August 25th, 2009 on 8:21 pm
I can understand where you’re coming from in a sense. My brother has been in and out of jail since he was about 16 (I would have been 8). I looked up to him my whole life and it was like a huge let down when he first left. As I said, he’s been in and out plenty of times since then and I find we lost the bond we once had. It’s hard to get close to him again when I think he’s going to F up and go back.
I know it’s different types of relationships but I can relate. I’m sorry you are feeling that way and here’s to hoping things get better.
August 25th, 2009 on 9:14 pm
I’m not that big on being independent when it comes to relationships either. I can manage life on my own, but when I’m with someone…I’m usually the needier one. The way you are feeling makes sense.
You two have been through a lot together, and I’m sure it would make you crazy for him to go away for a long period of time again, especially with a baby on the way. I would think hormones has something to do with it, but I’m sure your need for them to be with you goes beyond the pregnancy.
It may just take time, but continue to take these short trips away from each other as they could very well help you get other this fear and make you a little more independent.
August 26th, 2009 on 4:41 pm
I understand where you are coming from, that’s a hard image to get away from. You were traumatized basically. My aunt is like that she actually would go sit in the car for 8-12 hours while her husband would work. She could not handle it at all.
I’m only alone when my husband is at work, he does some things like golf once a week. I do have my daughter here though so that takes my mind off of it. Other than that it seems we’re always together. If he had to go on a trip or something I’d wigg out!