forever-waiting.net

Independence is something I do not deal with very well. Let me explain a bit. Before Randy I was with my ex, Mike, from March of 05 until Dec of 06. He was emotionally abusive blah blah. We split when Randy came along in Dec 06. I went right from one relationship to the other.

Then Randy was taken from me to jail a week into the relationship. He did a month there, followed by a month in rehab, and then 6 months in a halfway house which was never completed. This led to a violation of probation and in November he went to prison for a year. I learned to be independent in that year with having to do everything from bring in money to calling the prisons for information/policies, ensuring things went smoothly for his homecoming, etc. I got used to knowing everything was in my hands and no one was there to help me. I was fine with only talking to him once a day or less if it had to be. I even went to MD for 3 days with no contact. He was the needy one. However, it didn’t make it any easier to see him for 6 hours at a time and have to turn my back and watch him stand in a line for a strip search after each visit.

Then in November he came home and I think I have a fear that the cops are going to show up again and take him from me. When he left in November of ’07 we were sleeping when the cops showed up. My dad called up to come downstairs. Randy stood up, threw a pair of pants on, looked down the ladder of the loft and said bye. I got down there and they were already breathalizing and handcuffing him. I will never get that image out of my mind.

I get incredibly antsy if I don’t know exactly where he is at any given time. I insist we go to doctor appointments together along with stores and pretty much any errands. I don’t mind doing the shopping or whatever with him in the car but I need to know where he is. Every time he goes into parole for a check in I fear he’s going to not come out. It was a big feat last week when I left for 3 hours to go to the store and do shopping while he stayed home. It’s driving both of us crazy. The clinginess gets to him but he deals fairly well with keeping me calm. Today for example he left at 10:30 to go with his friend to get some arrows in a town 20 minutes away. I woke up at 1:35 and he wasn’t home. I called and they had stopped at his dad’s to patch the tire but had to wait for him to arrive. It was 3 hours and I was wigging out. The thought of him getting his license back terrifies me too because then he really can come and go whenever. I’m also going to state here, it’s not an issue of worrying about infidelity whatsoever.

I just feel like I’m dragging him down. I don’t want to contribute this to hormones because I feel it’s deeper than that. I know he needs to sleep odd hours and that leaves me to do some stuff alone but I fight it if possible. Perhaps it is rooted also in the fact that I do everything he is required to since I am his taxi cab, so I expect the same in return? I can’t pinpoint it. But it sucks.

Thank you for the well wishes everyone. Yesterday was amazing. We didn’t hire a professional photographer but many people had digital cameras and a friend of ours also videotaped it. The only ones I have now are my mom’s which were done on a 4mp so quality is lacking but the purpose will be served just fine for showing a few right here. The rest can be seen on Flickr, Myspace, and Facbeook. (continue reading…)

This entry is the last one I’ll be posting as Amanda Marie Carter. At 2pm today, I will officially be pronounced Mrs. Randy Scott Rumble Jr.

I can’t wait. Off to sleep for 3 hours before getting the day going. Pictures will be posted probably tomorrow or Monday. It depends on how tired I am and how the weekend goes in general. We’re not going on a honeymoon due to funds, he can’t leave state/curfew, and he works Sunday. Oh well. We’ll make up for it in the future.

Gracie is due in exactly 1 month.

Alright. Angela of Radkitten.nu has given me 5 words to blog about BUT today I feel like I have an entry to write and random things are racing through my head. I will get around to it, I swear! Maybe once this whole wedding thing has died down.

So tonight I planned on getting home and relaxing with my half a sub from yesterday’s dinner but that didn’t work out quite so well. I also was craving chocolate so I made up some brownies and threw them in the oven. I grabbed my sub and glass of mountain dew and proceeded to sit down at my desk. Then I realized “Whoops, my cell is in my purse” and I need that in case Randy calls for overtime or whatnot. Wearing headphones I reach down to grab it and that full glass of ice cold mountain dew goes allllllllll over. Thankfully the direction it went was the opposite of my tower. I still had to remove everything off of my desk and make sure my mouse and keyboard were safe along with the digital camera. Once I dried crap off I realized that I too was soaked and needed to dry. I was sticky too so to the shower I went. I came back and scrubbed the desk off with some 409 to avoid stickiness for the next few months. I also tidied up a bit since Randy is SO FREAKIN’ MESSY and got comfy on my couch now that I think I have everything I need for the evening. My desk is slid to the couch because it’s easier for me to keep my feet elevated and the fan blows directly on me and I’m always hot.

Speaking of elevated feet I had my 35 week doctor appointment today. Now I go to weekly appointments. That’s scary. By my calculations of Sept 22nd as a due date I’m 35W1D but he said I was 35W3D so he either goofed or I’m 2 days ahead. *shrug* Whatever. She’ll come when she comes. I have to get blood work for HIV testing (which I just did at 16 weeks but apparently the state has another mandatory one at 36 weeks. Whatev) Her fluid is good and her heart rate was 124bpm. I’m going to get another belly shot soon to post. Otherwise everything is fine. I’ve been getting slight cramping and extremely sharp pains when moving in certain ways. I also can’t lie on my back. It’s incredibly uncomfortable.

I managed to get the wedding playlist complete with Randy and our friend Melissa’s help last night. We have 4 hours worth of music of all varieties. Tomorrow Randy and I are going to mom’s to finalize everything and I’m going to bring stuff over to her house so we can have it all in 1 place. (And we need to do laundry). Colby is also getting his rabies shot tomorrow afternoon. Then we’re scheduling him to get neutered sometime soon.

I’m going to curl up in the corner of the couch now with my wireless keyboard, headphones, and so some voice transcribing to earn my goal of $15/day to cover the rent. Randy is up to 45 hours this week and if he gets OT today he’ll be up to 49 which is always nice but it gets lonely. Such is life.

I’m getting married in 4 days (now that it’s officially Tuesday). That’s a scary thought. The judge called this morning to confirm the time/place and we’re tying up loose ends right now. One thing I mentioned is that the music we’re all doing ourselves. We’ve got the 3 songs picked for the mother/son, father/daughter, and couples and then we’re setting up a playlist with a bunch of other songs on it of different genres from country to rock to hip hop for the rest of the time. I want your opinions on songs. If you were making a listing of songs for your wedding what are 1 (or more) you think would be definites on your “must play” list? I’m trying to make it into a 5-6 hour play list since we have no idea how long we’ll be there and it starts at 2pm. Hit me with any and all suggestions.

And for kicks here is a picture of our cake topper I snapped earlier