It’s all closing in on me
It’s all closing in on me
Jul 17I’m petrified. There is so much that goes on inside my head on a daily basis and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to make it financially because of the situation I’m in.
When Randy and I discussed having Gracie we decided before even trying that I was going to be a SAHM and we both were fine with it. I never even had the idea cross my mind that we would end up splitting up. I wonder sometimes if it is really the best situation for Gracie to be living with me. Her dad can buy her new clothes constantly, new toys, and everything else she needs. I am on WIC for her formula and when she’s one we’ll get juice, bread, milk, and fresh fruits and veggies. We are on food stamps so that we can both eat. I just got my medical insurance cut off because I didn’t go after Randy for medical support. (We talked last night and I told him I’m going in to do it and he’s going to enroll Gracie and himself at work since he’s now eligible). Hopefully I get it reinstated. If I lose my insurance I will end up completely screwed because without my seizure medication I will not be able to function and I won’t be able to care for Gracie in the result that I do have one.
I haven’t bought anything for myself since coming home from the hospital. It’s such a lifestyle change. I went from being able to go to Walmart and blowing $100/week on households and extras that appealed to us. I could pick up Gracie an outfit or spend $10 on a steak if I wanted to. Now? I had to have my one friend buy me plastic wrap and another bought me garbage bags because I needed to make the rent. I’m currently doing ChaCha and freelance writing to try to make money on the side while job hunting. My options are also limited because my vehicle was also taken from me when I was in the hospital due to it being registered to Randy’s mom. Anything I get has to be within walking distance and this town is probably 4 miles from end to end.
Randy and I agreed to $150/week for child support and it starts next week. $600/month is decent for CS but since I’m not working I have to live off of it. I try to pull in the same amount from ChaCha and freelancing. My friend Stacy is trying to get me a job for weekends at least (and as a fill in) for a prep cook at the restaurant she’s been at for like 10 years. I hope I can get it.
I think on a daily basis if only I knew then what I know now. I ended up leaving school and centering my life on him only to end up screwed over in the end. I helped him come from the bottom to the top and once he was comfortable he threw me back to the bottom. I can’t go back to school until after tax season (long story but it involves a student loan that will get paid when they take my taxes for it) so until then I need to find a different way to survive. I want to try to go to school for nursing once that is all taken care of. I just needed to write because I’m really scared on how I’m going to be able to make it. I’m scared that Gracie isn’t going to have a good life because of me and I feel so foolish for letting myself get into this position in the first place. Every time I walk into that welfare office I feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking “Why didn’t she keep her legs closed?” like the stereotypical welfare trash that so many people envision. I didn’t choose for this to happen to me. It’s hard to try to be strong for Gracie. I just feel like things are hopeless.
My Zoloft got upped to 100mg today and Randy has Gracie for the weekend. I’m going to my aunt’s today for my cousin’s birthday.
Aw hun don’t be so down on yourself *hugs* you are doing great!!
All you can really do is make the best of a bad situation. There’s no point in depressing and upsetting yourself further by playing the What If? game.
I will completely admit that I had bad vibes about Randy when you were first with him, I couldn’t help but feel that he was using you to make the most of his time in prison. You did SO much for him, you really were a life line for him, and scum that he is, he walked away from you and let you sink the moment he had the chance to. You had the best of intentions and the highest of hopes for your life together, and he threw it all back in your face. I despise him and any other man that does that, and I think women who are left holding the bag but make it all somehow work are very strong and resilient.
I have faith that you can do it, Manda. It’s not the best of situations, it’s not ideal, and it’s certainly not the easiest, but with willpower and determination, it’ll all work out. Do what you can to make money on the side, make sure he comes through with child support, and do what you can to get health insurance asap. Since you’re on food stamps and WIC, do you qualify for Medicaid? You should look into that ASAP.
Jenn said it all. Hold on girl, you can do this. It’s hard, it’s going to be hard. It won’t get easy for a long time and may never be “easy” but it will get easier. But you CAN do it.
Money doesn’t buy love and it sure in the hell doesn’t make you a better parent. Just because Randy has the money to buy Gracie things does not mean she will have a better life with him over you. You are a strong woman who is a good role model for your daughter. Randy is an ass who ran away like a little boy when he should of stayed and worked his rear off to solve any problems you two where having. Look at all those well-off young adults who’s parents gave them everything. They are spoiled brats who contribute nothing to society. It’s the kids that had it at least a little hard that grow up being well adjusted members of society.
Manda said pretty much what I was going to. Money buys THINGS, that’s it. Your love, strength and devotion to your daughter is PRICELESS.
Stay strong. It will take time and a good amount of determination and faith but it will get better.
Seconding Manda and Anna. You are the best parent to take care of Gracie. You’re a strong, hardworking woman, and one of the most determined people I know. You can and will make this work – I’m cheering for you.
Don’t ever feel like this was your fault because it wasn’t. You’re trying your best to get things sorted and even though you feel like your falling apart, you’re still trying. Something will come up in the end. It always does.
Aw girl just realize that one day Gracie will thank you for everything you have done for her. You sound like a great mom and a great girlfriend. It’s his loss to give up someone that helped him from the bottom to the top. It’s so irritating when situations like that happen, but all you can do really is keep your chin up and try to remain optimistic. This too shall pass and you will find yourself in a less stressful situation eventually. Stay positive.
Do not ever feel like a failure or “trash” because you are not able to provide your child with materialistic things. You are doing everything possibly to better your current situation. Being on WIC and food stamps does not make you a bad mother and you should not look down on yourself for having to rely on those two options– you are just doing what you have to do to get you through this rough patch. Hang in there and be strong. Gracie will thank you one day for all that you have done and had to sacrifice.
I feel for you hun. I am in a similar situation. I was trying to find a contact place so I could e-mail you but I couldn’t find one. I would love to be able to talk with you as we have a lot in common. Please e-mail me when you get a chance, Would love to have a friend persay who is going through the same things/similar stuff as I am. Makes it a lot easier when you have someone going through the same situation. Or so I have believed that. Hope to hear from you soon.
You are no less of a person or mother because you need help right now. I honestly think from what I gather of the situation that your daughter is in a good place with you. If he can get her things, let him, if he cares enough he won’t care if she’s primarily with you. After all, that is his daughter and he should want her to have the best.
You’ll get through this, get your education and make something of yourself. Just because he used you to pull himself up doesn’t mean he can maintain it without you. He could lose that job at any time, and then where will he be?