I’m back at my mom’s and it’s OK. Very cramped and 5 days a week I’m in my mom’s room with the other 2 being on the living room floor on an air mattress. Meh, it works. We had court yesterday and they’re keeping Gracie in mom’s custody until we go back on the 27th of October in which case, if the reports from my doctors continue to be positive, it appears I will regain full custody. YAY.

Speaking of the munchkin, she turns 1 on the 28th. I can’t believe she’s growing up! Time definitely does fly I agree.

Randy got a sentence cap of 1-3 which means he’ll be upstate for 2 years most likely. My status with him is… well let’s just say he calls every day and I visit him twice a week. Gracie comes with me once and I go alone the other time since it’s easier to talk without her getting fussy or impatient to sit for 45 minutes.

Hopefully Kyle is going to be able to help me move on Monday morning or something. He’s got a truck and trailer. It’s going to be SO crowded at my parent’s trailer but we’re doing what we need to in order to get by. I got the court notice on my door last night after the Toby Keith concert. Mom decided last minute (like 3:30pm yesterday) that $30 each for a ticket to see him was well worth it so she paid for the tickets, parking, and food beforehand. I definitely agree that it was worth it. The show was AMAZING. Toby is an AMAZING performer. He’s so full of life and just happy. Trace Adkins and James Otto opened. James Otto was good. Trace sounded good BUT he was quite boring to be honest. He just didn’t really DO anything. I can definitely say next time Toby comes to town I will DEFINITELY be there.

My Zoloft was increased this morning. I have court next week for the custody hearing with Randy and mom. Him and I have been talking a bit and we’re both going to push for me to re-gain custody.

As for me right now I feel like complete ass. I’ve been packing all day. I got my kitchen done and all my electronics and books besides my computer of course. I also got the closet cleaned out and now just need to pretty much sort through clothes and then pack up glass once my mom brings over some newspaper. I’ve done a lot today. I’m not sure how much longer it’s going to take or how much work is going to get done today because I just feel awful right now. My head hurts, I’m nauseated, and overall I’m just BLAH. Now off I go to watch Jungle 2 Jungle while typing up some articles.

I was given the opportunity to review The wild trio vibrator kit recently. I was excited to receive it because I figured a vibrator with three different attachments was sure to be enticing and full of pleasure.

I was sadly disappointed when I received the item. It was delivered in a fast manner and in discrete packaging which is always desirable when ordering sex toys online. However, it definitely lacked the power that I’d expect to get from a vibrator. It was hard to get very stimulated with the low speeds that were offered regardless of which type of attachment was used. I found that the best of the three was the butterfly since it covered a larger area while the dolphin would be the worst since the piece that touches the clitoris is rather flimsy.

One positive of this is that the attachments are small and come apart from the base so it can be stored away in small places without anyone really knowing the true purpose or even recognizing that it is one of your many vibrators. Cleaning can be a bit difficult because of the shape of the attachments as well.

Overall, I’d say that if you’re used to powerful toys you may want to skip by this one. It is also quite noisy for its small size. It may also be related to the fact that it only requires one battery to operate.

• Randy got arrested for DWI and countless other charges on Sunday night. We went to an emergency court hearing yesterday at 1 and because I’m supposedly still not fit my mom was granted custody instead of her being placed in foster care
• I’m still unemployed and stressing hardcore about money
• I feel like a horrible mother because I don’t have my child with me

I’m stressed. I still take my Zoloft, I still see my psychiatrist, and tomorrow I start counseling. I think I am going to benefit greatly from it. I’ve been talking to Kyle quite a bit. We dated for like a week but then Randy came around and screwed things up (stalking me, harrassing me) so we pretty much wiped the slate clean and we’re just friends right now. We talk all the time and I really like him. He likes me too but we’re taking things day by day. Basically we want to make sure that Randy is completely out of the picture when it comes to me and only communicating with me for the purpose of Gracie. Friday I’m going to the Tim McGraw and Lady Antebellum concert and then the weekend after we’re camping out at my aunt and uncle’s house an hour and a half away. Kyle might be coming too to keep me company. I’m looking forward to kicking back and relaxing. I need it.

When Randy and I discussed having Gracie we decided before even trying that I was going to be a SAHM and we both were fine with it. I never even had the idea cross my mind that we would end up splitting up. I wonder sometimes if it is really the best situation for Gracie to be living with me. Her dad can buy her new clothes constantly, new toys, and everything else she needs. I am on WIC for her formula and when she’s one we’ll get juice, bread, milk, and fresh fruits and veggies. We are on food stamps so that we can both eat. I just got my medical insurance cut off because I didn’t go after Randy for medical support. (We talked last night and I told him I’m going in to do it and he’s going to enroll Gracie and himself at work since he’s now eligible). Hopefully I get it reinstated. If I lose my insurance I will end up completely screwed because without my seizure medication I will not be able to function and I won’t be able to care for Gracie in the result that I do have one.

I haven’t bought anything for myself since coming home from the hospital. It’s such a lifestyle change. I went from being able to go to Walmart and blowing $100/week on households and extras that appealed to us. I could pick up Gracie an outfit or spend $10 on a steak if I wanted to. Now? I had to have my one friend buy me plastic wrap and another bought me garbage bags because I needed to make the rent. I’m currently doing ChaCha and freelance writing to try to make money on the side while job hunting. My options are also limited because my vehicle was also taken from me when I was in the hospital due to it being registered to Randy’s mom. Anything I get has to be within walking distance and this town is probably 4 miles from end to end.

Randy and I agreed to $150/week for child support and it starts next week. $600/month is decent for CS but since I’m not working I have to live off of it. I try to pull in the same amount from ChaCha and freelancing. My friend Stacy is trying to get me a job for weekends at least (and as a fill in) for a prep cook at the restaurant she’s been at for like 10 years. I hope I can get it.

I think on a daily basis if only I knew then what I know now. I ended up leaving school and centering my life on him only to end up screwed over in the end. I helped him come from the bottom to the top and once he was comfortable he threw me back to the bottom. I can’t go back to school until after tax season (long story but it involves a student loan that will get paid when they take my taxes for it) so until then I need to find a different way to survive. I want to try to go to school for nursing once that is all taken care of. I just needed to write because I’m really scared on how I’m going to be able to make it. I’m scared that Gracie isn’t going to have a good life because of me and I feel so foolish for letting myself get into this position in the first place. Every time I walk into that welfare office I feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking “Why didn’t she keep her legs closed?” like the stereotypical welfare trash that so many people envision. I didn’t choose for this to happen to me. It’s hard to try to be strong for Gracie. I just feel like things are hopeless.

My Zoloft got upped to 100mg today and Randy has Gracie for the weekend. I’m going to my aunt’s today for my cousin’s birthday.

I don’t feel like getting reamed out right now but him and I began talking on the 2nd of July and I fell into his trap, again. We were together a few times and then today I got him to admit, after court when he came back here, that he doesn’t want to be with me because he enjoys his freedom (aka a girlfriend who doesn’t care where he goes, what he does, beer, and weed). I told him if that’s how he wants it then his claim to want “friendship” is bull. No texting, no calls, nothing. Just pick up and drop off of Gracie. I can’t be friends with him when I still have such strong feelings for him. I was fine until he came back in the picture. Now it’s time to start all over again but this time it’s harder because I don’t have friends living here to keep me grounded. It’s awfully lonely.

Right now I’m focusing my efforts on job searching because my article writing isn’t enough to live, even with child support. I’ll be scraping by and that’s not the lifestyle I want. I also need to save up so I can purchase a car. I need to build up everything I’ve lost. It’s hard and I’m scared. Very.

The issue wasn’t that he was trying to get my phone. It was that he was making demands from me and then began screaming in my face to get what he wanted. I will not be controlled by ANYONE. Then he continued to scream and swung at me but didn’t hit me so I stood up and he pushed me to the ground. I called the cops and they made him leave. Niki, of course, stuck by him. They walked b/c they were drunk and an hour later they came back and got their cars. Then another hour passed and they came back and Chris got all his shit together and moved out. Then he tried to say I don’t deserve to have Gracie because I snap too easily and I’m not fit to care for a 9 month old. He even threatened to go to court on my date to tell the judge. I told him to mind his own fucking business, get his shit, and get out of my house.

So now I have no roommate and my house is a mess. However, it’s for the best. It may seem like a petty thing but one thing leads to another and soon enough he’s controlling me beyond something so simple. If I’ve learned one thing from Randy is that I can depend only on myself and I need to be able to stand on my own two feet when it comes down to it. Now I’m going to go clean my messy house because Randy is giving me Gracie overnight while he works which is nice. I think it may be a regular thing.

I ended up getting up at 6am yesterday (why, idfk). Then at about 2:30 Niki and I went to my mom’s house for a cookout of steak, pasta salad, chips, watermelon, and other nummy food. After two hours in the sun I was ROASTED. I’m feeling it today. Niki left at 5:15 to go to work (KFC) and I went to my mom’s cousins and proceeded to get drunk. I drank smirnoff and wine coolers and a pina colada too. I haven’t been drunk since before Gracie was conceived. I was so giddy and happy. It was an early night in comparison though. I got back around 10:45 or so I think and was in bed by midnight. I slept like ass though because 1. It’s humid as hell out and 2. I got mad sunburn on my knees (the way I was sitting), back, chest, and shoulders. I also need to change from my fleece sheets to my cotton today.

It feels like a Sunday today. I need to clean but I hurt so I’m just like meh, there’s always tomorrow. I’m not getting Gracie today either because Randy wanted to take her to the beach so I’m going to get her Tues, wed, and Thurs and one of those times I’m keeping her overnight as well. It works out for me so I’m not complaining. Now it’s off to write a few articles, do some ChaCha, and then MAYBE start on cleaning. Niki is coming back tonight and Chris is currently buying a few things for the house at Lowe’s or Home Depot. Him and Niki are kinda dating and Niki and I have gotten really close so I’m quite content and happy lately. Court is next week and I’m feeling optimistic.

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• I tried to commit suicide and failed but was on life support for 4 days
• Am in a custody battle for my daughter and currently have visitation
• Will have 2 room mates as of August 1st to ease the huge financial strain
• Am actively seeking employment
• Have lost an un-determined amount of weight

I’m trying the best I can but I do have some rough times or days in general which make me miss my old life. Coming out of this was like a fresh start that I really didn’t want. I didn’t picture my life this way… I’m just glad I have amazing support from friends and family (2 specific friends come to mind). There are times where I sit and ponder and just wonder WHY but never get an answer to it. I’m not really comfortable discussing the suicide attempt in public besides just stating that I hit a breaking point. I do have an order of protection against him now so he cannot call, text, etc. with me or have a third party do so either. *sigh* I hate that things have come to this. It’s messy, it hurts. Sometimes I sit down and I miss him… and that is when I am reminded of he is why I’m going through all this shit right now and my ass gets kicked back into gear.

Now I’m continuing my freelance opportunities. I need to come up with roughly $240 by the first through freelancing or SOMETHING if anyone has an opportunity that can help me out feel free to shoot it my way. I have ample time since I only get 9 hours of visitation a week until we go back to court to actually work it out. Anything set now is just temporary while we get lawyers and stuff.