forever-waiting.net

Anyone who has been following the story knows that I’ve been in a custody battle. Well, Randy and I have been talking and we agreed to a joint custody agreement outside of court. Then today at court we both informed our lawyers. I dropped the order of protection today and we go back to court on the 30th. We have established I will have Gracie in my primary residence and he can get visits as we agree upon. The reason we have to go back is because Gracie’s lawyer wants to talk to my psychiatrist to ensure that I am indeed still seeking treatment. The 30th everything will be finalized. Then this custody mess is over. I’m getting $150/week in child support from Randy (something we agreed upon together). I should be over the moon because I got what I wanted but I’m not.

I don’t feel like getting reamed out right now but him and I began talking on the 2nd of July and I fell into his trap, again. We were together a few times and then today I got him to admit, after court when he came back here, that he doesn’t want to be with me because he enjoys his freedom (aka a girlfriend who doesn’t care where he goes, what he does, beer, and weed). I told him if that’s how he wants it then his claim to want “friendship” is bull. No texting, no calls, nothing. Just pick up and drop off of Gracie. I can’t be friends with him when I still have such strong feelings for him. I was fine until he came back in the picture. Now it’s time to start all over again but this time it’s harder because I don’t have friends living here to keep me grounded. It’s awfully lonely.

Right now I’m focusing my efforts on job searching because my article writing isn’t enough to live, even with child support. I’ll be scraping by and that’s not the lifestyle I want. I also need to save up so I can purchase a car. I need to build up everything I’ve lost. It’s hard and I’m scared. Very.

Well, my life seems to be a story of never ending action or drama or something. Let me back it up a little. Chris and I were roommates. His girlfriend is Niki. We all get along and Niki and I actually probably hung out more than they did together. Well last night they both decided to get drunk. Everything was fine and dandy at first. They were being silly and whatnot. I told Chris I was going to take a picture of him and it was mildly embarrassing. He was laughing at first and then decided that he wanted it deleted. No big deal. I deleted it and Niki watched me do it. However, this wasn’t enough for him and he flipped out and grabbed my wrists trying to get the phone from me. I kept struggling to get free from him and in the process both of my monitors took a topple to the floor. He almost snapped my phone in half as well.

The issue wasn’t that he was trying to get my phone. It was that he was making demands from me and then began screaming in my face to get what he wanted. I will not be controlled by ANYONE. Then he continued to scream and swung at me but didn’t hit me so I stood up and he pushed me to the ground. I called the cops and they made him leave. Niki, of course, stuck by him. They walked b/c they were drunk and an hour later they came back and got their cars. Then another hour passed and they came back and Chris got all his shit together and moved out. Then he tried to say I don’t deserve to have Gracie because I snap too easily and I’m not fit to care for a 9 month old. He even threatened to go to court on my date to tell the judge. I told him to mind his own fucking business, get his shit, and get out of my house.

So now I have no roommate and my house is a mess. However, it’s for the best. It may seem like a petty thing but one thing leads to another and soon enough he’s controlling me beyond something so simple. If I’ve learned one thing from Randy is that I can depend only on myself and I need to be able to stand on my own two feet when it comes down to it. Now I’m going to go clean my messy house because Randy is giving me Gracie overnight while he works which is nice. I think it may be a regular thing.

Well this 4th of July weekend was pretty fun. On Friday night I went with Jenn and Niki where I discovered lemon drops at the bar. OMG YUM. I had two shots and socialized with them. ’twas fun. Then Saturday we lounged out all day until going to a friend’s house party where they drank lots and Chris accompanied us (DD, always). They played flip cup, beer pong, and a combination of the two known as flong. I didn’t drink (not a beer drinker, ew) but it was fun to meet some new people. We didn’t get home until like 4:30am. AHHH.

I ended up getting up at 6am yesterday (why, idfk). Then at about 2:30 Niki and I went to my mom’s house for a cookout of steak, pasta salad, chips, watermelon, and other nummy food. After two hours in the sun I was ROASTED. I’m feeling it today. Niki left at 5:15 to go to work (KFC) and I went to my mom’s cousins and proceeded to get drunk. I drank smirnoff and wine coolers and a pina colada too. I haven’t been drunk since before Gracie was conceived. I was so giddy and happy. It was an early night in comparison though. I got back around 10:45 or so I think and was in bed by midnight. I slept like ass though because 1. It’s humid as hell out and 2. I got mad sunburn on my knees (the way I was sitting), back, chest, and shoulders. I also need to change from my fleece sheets to my cotton today.

It feels like a Sunday today. I need to clean but I hurt so I’m just like meh, there’s always tomorrow. I’m not getting Gracie today either because Randy wanted to take her to the beach so I’m going to get her Tues, wed, and Thurs and one of those times I’m keeping her overnight as well. It works out for me so I’m not complaining. Now it’s off to write a few articles, do some ChaCha, and then MAYBE start on cleaning. Niki is coming back tonight and Chris is currently buying a few things for the house at Lowe’s or Home Depot. Him and Niki are kinda dating and Niki and I have gotten really close so I’m quite content and happy lately. Court is next week and I’m feeling optimistic.

So it’s been 3 weeks since I last updated. Since then I have done a number of things many people are aware of. I try to keep too much off of my personal blog since it can be read by ANYONE but in short

• I tried to commit suicide and failed but was on life support for 4 days
• Am in a custody battle for my daughter and currently have visitation
• Will have 2 room mates as of August 1st to ease the huge financial strain
• Am actively seeking employment
• Have lost an un-determined amount of weight

I’m trying the best I can but I do have some rough times or days in general which make me miss my old life. Coming out of this was like a fresh start that I really didn’t want. I didn’t picture my life this way… I’m just glad I have amazing support from friends and family (2 specific friends come to mind). There are times where I sit and ponder and just wonder WHY but never get an answer to it. I’m not really comfortable discussing the suicide attempt in public besides just stating that I hit a breaking point. I do have an order of protection against him now so he cannot call, text, etc. with me or have a third party do so either. *sigh* I hate that things have come to this. It’s messy, it hurts. Sometimes I sit down and I miss him… and that is when I am reminded of he is why I’m going through all this shit right now and my ass gets kicked back into gear.

Now I’m continuing my freelance opportunities. I need to come up with roughly $240 by the first through freelancing or SOMETHING if anyone has an opportunity that can help me out feel free to shoot it my way. I have ample time since I only get 9 hours of visitation a week until we go back to court to actually work it out. Anything set now is just temporary while we get lawyers and stuff.